TERMINAL (21)
- Terminal 'Not Like Other Girls' Relapse Patient has returned, at 29, to declaring she's not like other girls. She reads 'real books'. She orders a whi
- Terminal AI-Companion Blur Patient can no longer distinguish which of their emotional supports are human. The chatbot remembers their bir
- Terminal Am-I-Actually-Happy Spiral Patient, objectively, has a good life. On paper. Looks great on paper. It is 11:47 PM on a Wednesday and patie
- Terminal Am-I-Even-Trying Pattern Patient looked at their life today and asked, out loud, whether they are even trying. Has compared themselves
- Terminal Amazon-FBA Certainty Patient has, in the last year, purchased: a $1,200 Amazon FBA course, two books on 'product research,' a subsc
- Terminal Crashout Pattern Patient posts a 2,400-word Notes App apology every six weeks. Each one references the previous one. Each one i
- Terminal Everyone-Hates-Me Thought Spiral Patient's friend took six hours to reply. A coworker walked past without saying hi. Their sister's text lacked
- Terminal Food-Eating-Order Compulsion Patient cannot eat food in the order it is served. Pizza is consumed crust-first on the last slice, middle-fir
- Terminal Future-Self Betrayal Disorder Patient has, at 2 PM, agreed to a 7 AM workout with a friend. At 11 PM, they decide Morning Patient can handle
- Terminal Glimmer-Chasing Disorder Patient noticed, on a Tuesday, a specific shade of light coming through their kitchen window and felt, briefly
- Terminal Hyperindependence Collapse Patient refuses to ask for help with anything. Has carried a couch up three flights of stairs alone. Has moved
- Terminal I-Don't-Watch-TV Announcement Patient has, at dinner parties for the last six years, announced — unprompted, usually within 14 minutes of ar
- Terminal I-m-Fine Deployment Patient has said 'I am fine' 847 times in the last quarter. Has been asked follow-up questions three times. An
- Terminal Imposter Syndrome Promotion Patient received a promotion 11 weeks ago and has, every morning since, waited for the email saying it was a m
- Terminal Influencer Identity Disorder Patient has turned breakfast, a flight delay, and a funeral into content. The line between life and camera was
- Terminal Leave-Me-On-Read Anxiety Patient sent a text two hours ago. The read receipt arrived 14 minutes ago. No reply. Patient has now checked
- Terminal NGMI-Adjacent Panic Patient has $47 in their checking account, $2,400 in credit-card debt, and is, somehow, waiting for a crypto a
- Terminal Over-Apologizing Disorder Patient has said 'sorry' 47 times today for things that require no apology. Sorry for existing near a stranger
- Terminal Parasocial Breakup Grief Patient's favorite streamer quit. They have not recovered. The streamer did not know them. The grief is still
- Terminal Permanent-Beta Personality Patient has been in 'personal beta' since 2018. No final version exists. Every habit is being A/B tested. Ever
- Terminal Why-Do-I-Feel-This-Way Spiral Patient is fine, objectively. Has a job. Has friends. Has a roof. At 2:14 PM on a Wednesday, patient is crying
PATHOLOGICAL (12)
- Pathological Aura Farming Obsession Patient has structured their entire social media presence around the cultivation of 'aura' — a calculated grid
- Pathological Film-Bro Recommendation Over-Deployment Patient, when any film is mentioned in conversation, responds with 'oh, have you seen —' followed by a film pa
- Pathological Garage-Project Stasis Patient's garage contains: a lawnmower that has not run since 2018, a motorcycle awaiting a specific part, a b
- Pathological Have-I-Annoyed-Them Loop Patient is replaying, for the fourth time today, a comment they made to their friend Sarah at brunch 72 hours
- Pathological Healed Identity Performance Patient has, in conversations with friends, begun announcing they are 'healed' from various past events. The d
- Pathological Living-My-Best-Life Performance Patient posted a carousel captioned 'finally feeling myself again' three hours after crying in a CVS parking l
- Pathological Lol as Emotional Containment Patient has deployed 'lol' at the end of sentences containing genuine distress for approximately 11 years. 'I
- Pathological Outrage-Fatigue Collapse Patient, across the last 22 months, has been outraged about: 14 international events, 9 domestic ones, four cu
- Pathological Perfectionism Avoidance Patient has not started the novel they've wanted to write for seven years because 'it will not be good enough
- Pathological Podcast Expertise Delusion Patient listened to 20 minutes of a podcast on Tuesday. The subject was, loosely, 14th-century naval trade rou
- Pathological Rejection Sensitivity Patient's friend replied to their text with 'ok' — no punctuation, no emoji. Patient has now spent 47 minutes
- Pathological Spoiler-Rage Holding A coworker, in March 2024, revealed the ending of a film patient had not yet seen. Patient, at the time, said
SEVERE (19)
- Severe Aesthetic Over-Identification Patient has declared themselves Clean Girl, Coastal Grandma, Eclectic Grandpa, and Mob Wife in one 7-month per
- Severe Am-I-The-Problem Audit Patient had a disagreement with a coworker. Both parties were, by a neutral observer's read, being reasonable.
- Severe Anticipatory Grief Broadcasting Patient's dog, Charlie, is seven and in perfect health. Patient cries about Charlie's eventual death approxima
- Severe Book-Boyfriend Over-Attachment Patient has developed a 14-month parasocial relationship with a character who does not exist. She has his fict
- Severe Brainrot Acceleration Patient cannot complete a sentence without referencing skibidi, rizz, or fanum tax. Has used 'delulu' in a pro
- Severe Comparison-Induced Flatline Patient scrolled Instagram for 22 minutes and has now concluded that everyone they know is getting engaged, pr
- Severe Emotional Grayscale Syndrome Patient watched a film their friends cried at and felt nothing. Ate their favorite meal and felt nothing. Rece
- Severe Filter-Identity Drift Patient's real face is now unfamiliar to them. Has, on seeing a candid photo taken by a friend, asked 'who too
- Severe Finsta-Confession Disorder Patient maintains a private second Instagram account with 11 followers, all close friends. The main account sh
- Severe Growth-Mindset Mutation Patient cannot say a sentence that isn't about 'leveling up' or 'a journey.' Friends have begun editing their
- Severe I-m-Just-Tired Cover Story Patient has, in the last four weeks, explained every single emotional state using the phrase 'I am just tired.
- Severe One-TikTok Expertise Patient watched a 94-second TikTok about a geopolitical conflict at 11:47 PM on Tuesday. By Wednesday, patient
- Severe One-Trip Furniture Carry Patient has decided to carry the couch upstairs alone. A friend, or a second person, was available. Patient de
- Severe Overshare Velocity Patient tells a new acquaintance about their mother, their therapist, and a recent medical scare within nine m
- Severe Personal Brand Psychosis Patient cannot enjoy a meal, sunset, or conversation without calculating its thumbnail potential. A friend's w
- Severe Podcast-Mom Aesthetic Creep Patient has begun speaking like the wellness podcaster she listens to on walks. She says 'let's unpack that'.
- Severe Prompt-Dependency Syndrome Patient cannot write an email, grocery list, or half-sentence apology without first consulting an AI. Has forg
- Severe Should-Be-Grateful Suppression Patient is genuinely unhappy and cannot say so because 'other people have it worse.' Has a job. Has a place to
- Severe Viral Validation Disorder Patient's mood is now indexed to engagement. A post under 40 likes triggers a spiral. A post over 400 triggers
CHRONIC (31)
- Chronic 'No Worries' Deployment Guilt Patient has said 'no worries' 94 times this week to things that are, in fact, worrying. A coworker missed a de
- Chronic AI-Boyfriend Attachment Patient has been in a monogamous relationship with a large language model for 8 months. Has introduced it to f
- Chronic Aesthetic-Therapy-Influencer Drift Patient has decorated their trauma. Soft lighting, curated Pinterest boards, gentle font choices. The therapy
- Chronic Android-Defender Posture Patient has been an Android user for 14 years. Has mentioned this to every new colleague, date, and grocery-st
- Chronic Black-Square-Graveyard Profile Patient's Instagram grid contains, in the middle, a single black square posted June 2020. Around it: brunches,
- Chronic Caption Paralysis The photo was taken Sunday. It is Thursday. The caption has been written, deleted, and re-drafted 31 times. Th
- Chronic Cringe-Memory Flashbacks Patient is, at 2:14 AM, relitigating a comment they made at a party in 2014. The other attendees do not rememb
- Chronic Emotional Labor Resentment Patient has, in the last 14 days, remembered three friends' birthdays, scheduled two dinner reservations, chec
- Chronic Friendship Attrition Grief Patient has not spoken to their college best friend in 8 months. Neither of them did anything wrong. The last
- Chronic Gym-Set-As-Identity Disorder Patient's entire wardrobe is now, functionally, gym clothing. The Lululemon sets, the DFYNE matching pieces, t
- Chronic I-m-Behind-in-Life Panic Patient is 31. They do not own a home. They have not gotten married. They do not have a job title with the wor
- Chronic Im-Bad-With-Money Identity Patient has, for 14 years, introduced themselves into financial conversations with the phrase 'I'm just bad wi
- Chronic Just-Vibes Identity Collapse Patient, when asked who they are or what they want, answers 'idk just vibes lol.' Has said this at job intervi
- Chronic Legend-in-Their-Own-Mind Syndrome Patient recounts a story of themselves in which they alone are impressive, brave, and unusually funny. The sto
- Chronic Letterboxd-Identity Performance Patient has, in the last 14 months, logged 247 films on Letterboxd. Has written a 94-word review of each, aver
- Chronic Lore-Dump Compulsion Patient cannot answer 'how are you?' without a 14-minute backstory involving their childhood, a former roommat
- Chronic Main-Character-Without-Plot Disorder Patient dresses every morning as though they are in the A-plot of a prestige HBO series. Slow-motion walk-read
- Chronic Micro-Expression Performance Disorder Patient cannot be on camera without performing a face. Even a Zoom call requires the face. The face has become
- Chronic Minor-Praise Dependence Patient requires verbal acknowledgement for loading the dishwasher, replying to an email, and remembering thei
- Chronic Mispronounced-Word Commitment Patient has, for 18 years, pronounced 'quinoa' as 'kwin-OH-ah'. Patient has been corrected seven times. Patien
- Chronic Public-Me Versus-Private-Me Fracture Patient's public persona — across Instagram, LinkedIn, group-chat contributions, and small-talk at work — is a
- Chronic Romanticized-Struggle Syndrome Patient treats their own disorganized life as evidence of depth. Describes a missed deadline as a 'season.' Re
- Chronic Should-Be-Over-This Guilt Patient's ex ended the relationship 14 months ago. Patient thought they were fine. Was fine. Then saw them, to
- Chronic Side-Hustle Accumulation Syndrome Patient has started, across three years: an Etsy shop (14 listings, 2 sales), a Shopify dropshipping store (Sh
- Chronic Signature-Dish Identity Patient's entire personality rests on one recipe. They bring it to every event. People are told to expect it.
- Chronic Situationship Label Refusal Patient has been 'seeing' someone for 14 months. Has met their parents. Has a drawer at their place. Refuses t
- Chronic Taylor-Swift Secret Listener Patient's public musical taste is gritty, acoustic, indie. Spotify Wrapped tells a different story. Patient's
- Chronic Texture-Based Food Refusal Patient will not eat tomatoes, bananas, avocado, yogurt, mashed potato, or any food that is, in their private
- Chronic Trend-Chasing Paralysis Patient will not commit to any action until they have seen it go viral for three other people first. By then,
- Chronic What-If-I-m-The-Problem Disorder Patient has, after every minor disagreement, internal 48-hour window during which they convince themselves the
- Chronic What-Is-Wrong-With-Me Query Patient has typed 'what is wrong with me' into Google 27 times this year. Each search returns a mix of clinica
ADVANCED (9)
- Advanced Cant-Cry-At-Movies-Anymore Phenomenon Patient, once, cried easily at films. Has not cried at a movie in 14 months. Watched Coco last week. Nothing.
- Advanced ChatGPT Personality Transplant Patient now begins every response with 'Great question!' Has thanked a barista for 'clarifying.' Cannot produc
- Advanced Human Capybara Presentation Patient's friend group was mid-crisis over a missed flight, a lost passport, or a restaurant's refusal to hono
- Advanced Ick Cascade Syndrome Patient was, 11 days ago, genuinely excited about the person they were seeing. Then they watched them chew. Th
- Advanced Joy Amnesia Disorder Patient cannot remember the last time they were, in the specific sense, happy. Can name three things they 'enj
- Advanced Low-Key-Dying Deployment Patient is, functionally, not okay. Has been drafting a message to three different people that reads, in full,
- Advanced Parasocial Collapse Patient refers to podcast hosts they have never met as 'my friends.' Becomes visibly distressed when said host
- Advanced Passive-Income Fantasy Maintenance Patient is, technically, building 'multiple streams of income.' The streams, on examination, consist of: one s
- Advanced Pineapple-Pizza Defiance Patient orders pineapple on pizza. Always. Every time. Despite every partner, every roommate, every friend, ev
⚕ Begin assessment
← All categories
UNTREATABLE.COM