UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient scrolled Instagram for 22 minutes and has now concluded that everyone they know is getting engaged, promoted, traveling, and thriving — simultaneously. Patient is in pajamas on a Tuesday at 4:14 PM. Is now spiraling. Knows Instagram is curated. Knows most of it is performative. Still spiraling. The pajamas are hitting different now.
Chronic. Each scroll deepens the trough.
None. 'Logging off' has a 14-minute effective half-life.
Patients with Severe Comparison-Induced Flatline typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Severe Comparison-Induced Flatline present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Comparatio socialis totalis, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.