UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient has $47 in their checking account, $2,400 in credit-card debt, and is, somehow, waiting for a crypto airdrop to 'fix things.' The airdrop, if it arrives, will be worth approximately $14. Patient has calculated this and persists in the waiting. Has drafted, mentally, a five-step recovery plan that begins with 'if Solana hits $400.' Solana is currently at $147. Patient is, in the Crypto Twitter vocabulary, approximately one bad trade away from NGMI.
Chronic. The recovery plan depends on variables patient does not control.
None. A physician with actual credentials would be more useful than our paperwork.
Patients with Terminal NGMI-Adjacent Panic typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Terminal NGMI-Adjacent Panic present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Horror futuri financialis, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.