How to write a great fake diagnosis

A good custom diagnosis feels like it could almost be real — then lands a punch on the second read. Three rules.

1. Be specific, not general

"Is always on their phone" is weak. "Has checked a powered-off phone on more than one occasion" is a diagnosis. Name the exact behavior, the exact number, the exact moment.

2. Write the Latin like it's real

Two words, mock-clinical, ideally one noun + one adjective ending in -us, -a, -osa, or -icus. Examples: Scrollium infernum, Vox longa inopportuna, Delusio romantica optimistica.

3. End with a zero-hope treatment line

The best treatments aren't treatments. They're observations. "None. Recipients are encouraged to flee." "Untreatable. The condition is doing the work."

Prompts if you're stuck

Something they do every single day that they refuse to acknowledge.
A purchase they've made four times and still haven't used.
A sentence they've said out loud that no one has forgotten.
A belief they hold with the confidence of someone who has done no research.
A ritual they've invented that is visibly not working.
An app they've opened 14,000 times this year.

How sharing works

Three ways to send a custom diagnosis:

Save card — downloads a 1080×1350 PNG. Drop it into a group chat, attach it to a text, frame it.
Copy image — puts the image on your clipboard. Paste directly into a message.
Copy share link — generates a URL that opens the diagnosis anywhere. Attached photos are not included in the link (they never leave your device). Post the link and your friend sees the written diagnosis; the image they see in the group chat is what you saved.

Rules of engagement

Keep it funny, keep it friendly. This is a prank tool, not a bullying tool. No slurs, no sincere cruelty, no attempts to make someone believe a real condition. The Institute reserves the right to pretend it never met you.

Write your own diagnosis.

Not in the mood to write?