Institute Category

Workplace & Hustle

Founder mode, quiet quitting, coffee badging, hustle grind.

TERMINAL (3)

Terminal Coffee-Badging Syndrome Patient goes to the office for 14 minutes, is visibly seen holding a coffee, and leaves. Manager is 'noticing
Terminal Side-Hustle Delirium Patient has 6 side-hustle ideas and zero customers. Domain names purchased for all six. Logos designed. Has pa
Terminal Substack Intentions Patient has announced their Substack to three dinner parties. Has published one (1) post, in 2022, titled 'Why

CATASTROPHIC (2)

Catastrophic Burnout Phase 4 Patient can no longer tell the difference between a weekend and a Tuesday. Cries at the Instacart delivery dri
Catastrophic LinkedIn Posting Compulsive need to convert every life event — bereavements, divorces, dental cleanings — into a professional-d

PATHOLOGICAL (3)

Pathological Course-Purchasing Disorder Patient owns 127 online courses. Has completed 0.4 of them. Intends to 'get into it this weekend' — a weekend
Pathological Podcast-Bro Voice Patient has begun every sentence for 6 months with 'so, here's the thing.' Voice has dropped 1.2 octaves witho
Pathological Reply-Guy Syndrome Patient reads every reply to every tweet and contributes a correction to each one. Has physically aged during

SEVERE (11)

Severe Audible-Typing Syndrome Patient types as though striking tent pegs. The office has noted it. HR has not, yet. The keyboard is mechanic
Severe Calendar-Blocker Fraud Patient's calendar is a wall of recurring 'Focus Time' blocks. The blocks are not focus. They are lunch, laund
Severe Cologne Cloud Deployment Patient applied their cologne this morning. Applied it generously. Applied it, in fact, in three separate burs
Severe Email Sign-Off Paralysis Patient has written the entire email. The body is done. The ask is clear. The tone is correct. Patient has now
Severe Meeting-Cam Curation Disorder Patient arranges specific books, plants, and soft lighting for a 20-minute standup with 3 coworkers. The shelf
Severe Podcast Confidence Syndrome Patient has adopted the views, cadence, and certainty of one (1) three-hour podcast episode. Cites it as a stu
Severe Promoted-Beyond-Panic Syndrome Patient received a promotion and has spent the first three weeks pretending to understand what their new role
Severe Prompt-Engineer Delusion Patient has '6 months' of experience in a job that did not exist 12 months ago. Has a course. Has a course on
Severe Return-to-Office Grief Patient has been recalled to the office. They have not recovered. The commute, the lighting, the shared mic in
Severe Strategic Procrastination Patient has a 2 PM deadline and has, so far, reorganized their desk, responded to a non-urgent email from Marc
Severe Vibe-Coder's Syndrome Patient ships code they cannot explain. The tests pass, the app works, the reasoning is proprietary to a large

CHRONIC (9)

Chronic Am-I-Enough-At-Work Spiral Patient's manager said 'can we chat Friday?' in a Slack message with no context. It is Tuesday. Patient has no
Chronic Clipboard-Man Dread Patient, at a work event, is genuinely convinced they will be tapped on the shoulder by a man with a clipboard
Chronic Hustle-Culture Relapse Patient has quit hustle culture publicly four times. Is currently up at 5 AM, journaling about rest. Has a cou
Chronic Inbox-Zero Relapse Patient achieved inbox zero on March 14th. By March 17th, the system had been abandoned. The inbox now has 4,0
Chronic Polite-Laugh Reflex Disorder Patient's coworker just finished a joke at the water cooler. The joke was not funny. The joke, in fact, was ba
Chronic Quiet-Firing Syndrome Patient's manager has subtly stopped assigning work, removed them from key channels, and pruned their calendar
Chronic Slack-Ghost Syndrome Patient is always online, never typing. Reads every channel. Contributes to none. Green dot maintained for 11
Chronic Typo Death Spiral Patient sent a work Slack message containing the word 'pleasure' rendered, by autocorrect, as 'pressure.' Spot
Chronic Unread-Email Immunity Patient has 14,800 unread emails and has not experienced a single consequence. The red notification badge no l

ADVANCED (4)

Advanced 'Tell Me About Yourself' Paralysis Patient, when asked to describe themselves, has listed only their Starbucks order and two shows. The interview
Advanced Prompt-Engineering Impostor Syndrome Patient has '6 years' of experience in a field that is 18 months old. Sells a course. Sells a course on the co
Advanced Quiet-Quitting Fog Patient is doing exactly the amount of work listed in their job description, which turns out to be almost none
Advanced Sigma-Grindset Poisoning Patient is up at 4:47 AM taking cold showers and journaling about lions. Has quoted American Psycho unironical

ACUTE (5)

Acute CEO Syndrome Patient manages no one, has authority over nothing, and refers to themselves as 'CEO' in dating bios. Uses the
Acute Email-Subject-Line Paralysis Patient has been composing the subject line for 11 minutes. The body took 4. The subject line is still 'Hi' an
Acute Founder Mode Patient believes their unremarkable idea will disrupt a trillion-dollar industry. Has a pitch deck. Uses the w
Acute Out-of-Office Cosplay Patient sets auto-replies for 2-hour errands. 'Limited email access until 4pm.' Checks phone constantly. Repli
Acute Sent-From-iPhone Shield Syndrome Patient weaponizes the default email signature as a pre-emptive excuse for any typo, brevity, or tonal misread

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