TERMINAL (7)
- Terminal DIY-Divorce Energy Patient is, by every observable behavior, already single. Eats alone. Travels alone. Holidays separately. Is,
- Terminal Extra-Blanket Negotiation Patient wakes at 4 AM with no blanket. His partner is a burrito. This is a monthly occurrence. His wife believ
- Terminal Grid-Versus-Reality Relationship Disorder Patient's Instagram grid shows 47 photos with their partner over 14 months — beach trips, date nights, anniver
- Terminal In-Laws-Before-Spouse Allegiance Patient, in any conflict between their partner and their own parents, defaults — without conscious thought — t
- Terminal Pet-First Marriage Displacement The dog sleeps in the middle of the bed. Patient and partner sleep on either side. The dog has priority. When
- Terminal Shared-Calendar Resistance Patient has been told the dinner is Friday. He has not been told the dinner is Friday. Both are, technically,
- Terminal Unequal-Labor Relationship One partner is running the household, the calendar, the emotional weather, and the logistics of three children
SEVERE (7)
- Severe Couples-Photo Fraud The Instagram grid is spotless — beach photos, anniversary dinners, matching outfits. At home, the couple has
- Severe Fantasy-Football-Over-Family Priority Patient has not missed a fantasy-football draft in 11 consecutive seasons. Patient has missed: their anniversa
- Severe Happy-Anniversary-Caption Overreach Patient's anniversary post is 340 words. It describes the partner as 'my best friend, my person, my soft landi
- Severe In-Law Buffer-Zone Collapse Patient's in-laws now attend weeknight dinners, have a key, and text the group chat with holiday menu plans. T
- Severe Plant-Parent Priority Inversion Patient knows the watering schedules, sunlight requirements, and preferred temperatures of 41 houseplants by m
- Severe Weaponized-Silence Disorder Patient communicates displeasure through the precise amount of air moved when placing a cup down. A three-day
- Severe Weaponized-Tone Disorder Partner says 'that's fine' with a precise inflection that contains a three-part grievance, a reference to a 20
CHRONIC (16)
- Chronic Bed Border Dispute Patient and their partner share a queen bed. Patient, across the course of every night, migrates steadily towa
- Chronic Closet-Overflow Colonisation Patient moved in with six shirts. Patient now has four hangers. The remaining 47 hangers hold items he has nev
- Chronic Comfort-Trap Relationship The relationship has ended, emotionally, some time ago. Both parties are aware. Neither wants to split the cou
- Chronic Deferred-Conversation Marriage Syndrome Patient and their spouse have a topic. The topic is not resolved. The topic has been 'for another time' for fo
- Chronic Holiday-Fight Tradition The fight happens every year. The fight is about the same thing every year. The fight is scheduled, by both pa
- Chronic Household-Inventory Disparity One spouse knows where the spare batteries, the dog's vet records, the kids' passports, and the holiday lights
- Chronic Passive-Aggressive Partnership Conflict is never discussed. It is, instead, referenced via sighs, pointed cleaning, and one very long Sunday
- Chronic Posting-Through-It Syndrome Patient's relationship is, by their own private accounting, in its worst stretch in four years. This week, pat
- Chronic Public-Affection Private-Neglect Syndrome Hand-holding, compliments, arm-around-the-waist — all performed flawlessly for the benefit of witnesses. At ho
- Chronic Roommate-Marriage Syndrome Romance has been replaced entirely by logistics. Conversations center on the dishwasher, the bin schedule, and
- Chronic Score-Keeping Marriage Syndrome Every chore, favor, and emotional labor unit is being tracked in an invisible ledger. The ledger has never, in
- Chronic Selective-Hearing Spouse Syndrome Spouse hears the words 'dinner' and 'pub' from across the house. Does not hear direct, repeated requests made
- Chronic Shared-Netflix Marriage The only remaining joint activity is watching the same show at slightly different times and occasionally sayin
- Chronic Side-Project Companion Abandonment Patient spends 14 hours a week on their YouTube channel, podcast, or Etsy shop. The shop has 3 subscribers, 41
- Chronic Temperature-Setting Disputes Patient likes 65 degrees. His wife likes 72 degrees. The thermostat is currently 69 and no one is happy. It ha
- Chronic Vehicular-Affection Displacement Patient has cleaned their car three times this month. Has not cleaned the bathroom in 11 weeks. Spends 47 minu
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