UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient's alarm is set for 5:14 AM. Patient's partner's alarm is set for 6:47 AM. In the 93 minutes between, patient rides, showers, and makes coffee. The coffee is not for the partner. In the evening, patient rides again at 9 PM, which is approximately the time the partner goes to bed. The Peloton has, structurally, been scheduled into the gaps of the marriage. Its weekly ride count exceeds the marriage's weekly shared-meal count.
Chronic. Each new class added deepens the pattern.
None. 'Skipping a ride' is treated as a moral failure; skipping a meal with the partner, apparently, is not.
Patients with Pathological Peloton-Before-Partner Protocol typically present with some or all of the following:
Pathological Peloton-Before-Partner Protocol was added to the Institute catalog in response to a pattern our clinicians kept seeing. The pattern did not have a real name. This is the real name now. Everything about this entry is made up, except the behavior.
The Institute has assigned this condition the Latin binomial Bicyclus prae lecto matutino — fictional nomenclature for a non-fictional pattern.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.