UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient carries a four-pound dog named Biscuit in a $340 leather sling to Sweetgreen. Biscuit has not touched ground since 2022. Biscuit is wearing sunglasses. Biscuit is the only dog the patient has ever owned, and also, somehow, their entire personality.
Chronic. Worsens after any brunch invitation.
Untreatable. The dog, in their view, has preferences about this.
Patients with Chronic Small-Dog-as-Accessory Syndrome typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Chronic Small-Dog-as-Accessory Syndrome present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Canis minusculus ornamentum, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.