UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient spends 22 minutes foam rolling on the gym floor, making audible discomfort sounds every 40 seconds that communicate to passersby that they are a serious athlete. Has actually only worked out for 18 minutes. Has filmed a 14-second Reel of the rolling with the caption 'recovery is everything.'
Chronic. The groans grow louder weekly.
None. Recovery, in their view, is the workout.
Patients with Chronic Foam Roller Performance Theater typically present with some or all of the following:
Chronic Foam Roller Performance Theater belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Theatrum vasi laxationis, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.