UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient dropped a chicken nugget on the kitchen floor. The floor had been mopped four days ago. Patient picked the nugget up in under five seconds and ate it. Has done this with: a dropped piece of cheese, a strawberry, and — once — a single fry that had, technically, rolled under the couch. Patient is fine. The floor, despite all statistical evidence, is fine.
Chronic. The five-second rule is, apparently, load-bearing.
None. Has survived this regimen for decades without incident.
Patients with Advanced Five-Second Rule Compliance typically present with some or all of the following:
Advanced Five-Second Rule Compliance belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Regula quinque secundorum fidelis, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.