UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient opens the cutlery drawer, selects a fork, and — in full knowledge that the fork was washed, dried, and put away yesterday — walks it to the sink and runs water over it for four seconds. Has done this at every meal, in their own home, for an unspecified number of years. Cannot articulate what they are rinsing off. The fork was clean. The fork is now wet. Patient is, at this point, committed to the ritual.
Chronic. The dishwasher will not, in patient's view, be fully trusted in this lifetime.
None. A past encounter with a fork that had one dried speck on it is, apparently, load-bearing.
Patients with Chronic Drawer-Cutlery Distrust typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Chronic Drawer-Cutlery Distrust present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Suspicio ferramentorum lavatoriae, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.