UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient believes they are whispering to their friend in the quiet section of a public library. The 'whisper' clocks in at 58 decibels. A graduate student at a nearby table now knows that Kevin cheated, that Kevin is on thin ice, and that Kevin is currently waiting in the car.
Permanent. Volume self-perception is offline.
Untreatable. A proper whisper feels insufficient to carry the drama.
Patients with Terminal Library Stage-Whisper typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Terminal Library Stage-Whisper present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Susurrus bibliothecae fallitus, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.