UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient conducts conversations at 82 decibels in a restaurant designed for whispering. Has described their recent colonoscopy over the shared appetizer. Table eight now knows the findings. Patient's hearing test returned normal. The volume is a choice.
Untreatable. 'Shhh' provokes a five-decibel escalation.
None. The decibel level has been internally calibrated to 'storytelling.'
Patients with Severe Restaurant-Volume Miscalibration typically present with some or all of the following:
Severe Restaurant-Volume Miscalibration belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Vox forta inappropriata gastronomica, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.