UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient is, technically, awake. Patient is also, technically, a statue. Until the first cup of coffee has been consumed, patient cannot be spoken to, cannot make eye contact, and cannot process any question more complex than 'good morning.' A family member attempted to ask about weekend plans at 6:47 AM and was met with a slow, silent blink. The coffee machine is, currently, the single point of contact between patient and the conscious world.
Chronic. The animation threshold rises with each year.
None. Decaf is, apparently, a betrayal.
Patients with Acute Caffeine-Dependent Animation typically present with some or all of the following:
Acute Caffeine-Dependent Animation belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Vita per cafea infusam, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.