UNTREATABLE.COM
| Dosage | One (1) iPhone kept until battery health falls below 80%, a camera is non-functional, or the device refuses to charge |
| Frequency | Per device lifecycle |
| Duration | Lifelong standard |
| Refills | 0 — the upgrade is not, apparently, the treatment for anything |
The Institute dispenses Telephonum Retentum for:
Telephonum Retentum is part of the Institute Pharmacy's formulary of satirical prescriptions. Everything on this slip is fictional except the behavior it addresses. A real pharmacist, handed this slip, would decline to fill it. Patients are invited to fill it themselves.
Patients know it in practice as Phone Retained, full cycle — the Latin is ceremonial; the English form is what they actually execute.
Need a prescription of your own? Describe your complaint to the Institute Pharmacy. Or browse the full formulary.