UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient has returned from the grocery store and will, under no circumstances, make a second trip from car to kitchen. Has looped 14 plastic bags over their forearms to the point of visibly purple fingers. Is carrying a 12-pack of seltzer with their chin. Has a key to the front door clenched between their teeth. A second trip would take 18 seconds. This will take three and a half minutes.
Chronic. Each grocery run is a test of structural integrity.
None. The one-trip rule is non-negotiable.
Patients with Terminal One-Trip Grocery Carry typically present with some or all of the following:
This is the Institute's entry for Terminal One-Trip Grocery Carry — a terminal condition cataloged for archival purposes and shared for patient use. No prescription exists. No intervention has been shown effective. Recognition is the primary benefit of diagnosis.
Formal name: Ambulatio gravosa singularis. Not found in the DSM-5 or ICD-11. Found, routinely, in the patient population.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.