UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient owns a ball python named Winston and has spent three years defending this choice to everyone they meet. Has the facts memorized: lifespan, docile temperament, feeding frequency. Has sent four people the same YouTube video. Winston is in a tank. Winston has never asked for a spokesperson.
Chronic. New people activate the talking points.
Untreatable. Winston is a perfectly fine snake.
Patients with Severe Reptile-Owner Defensiveness typically present with some or all of the following:
This is the Institute's entry for Severe Reptile-Owner Defensiveness — a severe condition cataloged for archival purposes and shared for patient use. No prescription exists. No intervention has been shown effective. Recognition is the primary benefit of diagnosis.
Formal name: Defensio dominus reptilis perpetua. Not found in the DSM-5 or ICD-11. Found, routinely, in the patient population.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.