UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient puts pickles on foods where pickles do not, historically, belong. Peanut butter sandwich. Mac and cheese. Chocolate ice cream. Has graduated from eating pickles with meals to eating meals with pickles embedded. Drinks the juice after. Has a secondary jar exclusively for 'emergency pickle situations' — a category patient has not defined but recognizes on sight.
Chronic. The pantry is, increasingly, briny.
None. Ranch pickles have already been ordered.
Patients with Severe Pickle-On-Everything Commitment typically present with some or all of the following:
Severe Pickle-On-Everything Commitment belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Cucumis conditus in omnibus, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.