UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient takes a business call on speakerphone at Starbucks, uses 'let's circle back,' 'bandwidth,' and 'take this offline' inside one sentence, and laughs at something the disembodied voice has said. A freelancer two tables over has closed their laptop and is now openly watching.
Untreatable. The call is, in their view, essential.
None. They cannot imagine the freelancer exists.
Patients with Pathological Café Speakerphone Disorder typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Pathological Café Speakerphone Disorder present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Colloquium publicum maximus, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.