UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient is on a first-name basis with the 19-year-old working the gym smoothie bar. Has ordered the same peanut butter banana whey protein smoothie for 47 consecutive visits. Greets each staff member by name. Tips generously. The staff view them, with a mixture of fondness and pity, as 'the regular.'
Chronic. Weekly visits solidify parasocial relationship.
None. A new staff member is, currently, being onboarded.
Patients with Chronic Smoothie Bar Regular Performance typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Chronic Smoothie Bar Regular Performance present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Assiduitas cafe gymnicum, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.