UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient feeds their dog Cooper a human-grade $94-per-week subscription meal kit containing bison, sweet potato, and a blueberry reduction. Cooper previously survived on Kibble n Bits for three years and was fine. Patient has not made a hot meal for themselves this month.
Permanent. The dog, at this point, has a nutritionist.
None. Cooper will not touch regular food now.
Patients with Chronic Pet-Food Gourmet Escalation typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Chronic Pet-Food Gourmet Escalation present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Nutrimentum canis luxuriosus, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.