UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient has not seen their 15-year-old all day. The door has been closed since morning. Meals have been consumed but nobody saw it happen. The WiFi then cut out at 3:47 PM. Within 90 seconds, the 15-year-old appeared in the kitchen, blinking, as if returning from a long mission. Asked what was for dinner. The WiFi came back. They vanished again.
Chronic. The outage-window is the only known reliable contact method.
None. Talking during the outage window is, according to the teenager, 'weird.'
Patients with Terminal WiFi-Outage Reappearance typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Terminal WiFi-Outage Reappearance present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Adolescens reditus per internet interruptum, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.