UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient owns four matching sweaters for themselves and their dog Pretzel. Has worn the Fair Isle set to Thanksgiving. Has a summer linen option. There are plans for a holiday card. Pretzel tolerates the outfits the way Pretzel tolerates most things — with quiet dignity and no visible opinion.
Permanent. The wardrobe expands seasonally.
None. The Christmas card is already ordered.
Patients with Terminal Matching-Pet-Human Outfit typically present with some or all of the following:
Terminal Matching-Pet-Human Outfit belongs to the Institute's growing taxonomy of behaviors that real medicine has declined to name. It exists, roughly, at the intersection of internet culture, interpersonal friction, and whatever is happening in the lives of our patients. It is fictional and it is everywhere.
Under its Latin label Vestis coordinata humanum-canis, the condition appears only in the Institute's own catalog. Real clinicians do not recognize the term. They recognize the behavior.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.