UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient watches TikToks on a quiet a quiet commuter train at full volume with no headphones, for eleven consecutive stops, laughing out loud and saying 'oh my GOD' after every video. Six commuters have considered speaking up. Nobody has. 'Oh my god' is now the official soundtrack of the 8:14.
Untreatable. The patient genuinely cannot conceive of their surroundings.
None. The volume is, in their view, already low.
Patients with Pathological No-Headphones Scroller typically present with some or all of the following:
Pathological No-Headphones Scroller is a pathological behavioral condition cataloged by the Institute. It is not recognized by the DSM-5, the ICD-11, or any existing diagnostic framework — and will not be, because it is not a real condition. It is, however, observed in the population with alarming frequency.
In the Institute's formal nomenclature, this condition is catalogued under the Latin binomial Video publicum sine cuffia — a name not recognized by any medical authority but observed repeatedly in the catalog.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.