UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient's 24-year-old has not replied to a text for 36 hours. Patient has now: checked their 'last active on Instagram,' checked their Venmo to see if they've bought coffee, texted the sibling to confirm the 24-year-old is alive. The 24-year-old is alive. The 24-year-old is busy. The 24-year-old will reply, eventually, with one word.
Chronic. Normal for 24-year-olds, agonizing for parents.
None. The eventual reply will be 'yeah.'
Patients with Pathological Grown-Child Text Anxiety typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Pathological Grown-Child Text Anxiety present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Anxietas telephonica filii adulti, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.