UNTREATABLE.COM
Delivery driver handed patient a pizza. Patient, smiling, said 'love you, bye.' The delivery driver paused. Patient paused. The door closed at a speed that broke the laws of physics. Patient is now, ninety seconds later, still sweating. Their partner, in the kitchen, did not witness and yet somehow knows.
Chronic. The phrase deploys automatically on closing any friendly interaction.
None. Has also said it to the dental hygienist, the UPS man, and a Zoom call with eleven coworkers.
Patients with Chronic Autopilot Affection Disorder typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Chronic Autopilot Affection Disorder present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Caritas involuntaria vocativus, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.