UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient eats a bag of kettle chips on a quiet Amtrak car with the rhythm and volume of a man eating gravel. Has never, in their life, heard the inside of their own head. Never will. The passenger in seat 14B has now turned their noise-canceling headphones up three clicks past safe.
Irreversible. Soft foods produce an identical acoustic signature.
Noise-canceling headphones only amplify the tempo.
Patients with Acute Chewing Audibility Syndrome typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Acute Chewing Audibility Syndrome present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Masticatio forte publica, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.