UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient has purchased one iced oat latte in seven hours and currently occupies a four-person table at Blue Bottle with a laptop, notebook, phone charger, hoodie, Stanley cup, and a plate that held a cookie in 2023. Has not actually worked since 11:40 AM. Is on a call about 'wrapping up for the day.'
Chronic. The Wi-Fi, apparently, is 'better' here.
None. Approaching the table is met with a visible sigh.
Patients with Acute Café Table Homesteading typically present with some or all of the following:
This is the Institute's entry for Acute Café Table Homesteading — an acute condition cataloged for archival purposes and shared for patient use. No prescription exists. No intervention has been shown effective. Recognition is the primary benefit of diagnosis.
Formal name: Mensa cafe dominium perpetuum. Not found in the DSM-5 or ICD-11. Found, routinely, in the patient population.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.