UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient breathes exclusively through their mouth in a quiet AMC theater with the consistent rhythm of a small industrial appliance. Three rows forward, a woman has paused her popcorn. The sound, somehow, has a reverb. The nose has been out of service since 2004.
Permanent. Nasal breathing feels like cheating.
Untreatable. Patient has no memory of using the nose.
Patients with Advanced Mouth-Breathing Surround Sound typically present with some or all of the following:
Patients diagnosed with Advanced Mouth-Breathing Surround Sound present with a cluster of recognizable behaviors we have, on reflection, decided to name. The condition is fictional. The behaviors, unfortunately, are not. Someone in your life is showing at least two of them right now.
The Institute's taxonomic entry lists it as Respiratio oris publica audibilis, a binomial coined in-house and used nowhere in the peer-reviewed literature.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.