UNTREATABLE.COM
Patient has a head cold. It is, by any clinical measure, a head cold. Patient is, however, presenting as though they are in the final act of a tragic opera. Has not moved from the couch in 40 hours. Has requested, by voice, for someone to bring them more tissues, then a specific blanket, then the remote, in three sequential requests. Their partner, in the kitchen, is making soup and texting friends to confirm that yes, this is happening again.
Chronic. Each seasonal cold is treated as a new event.
None. A real flu would, genuinely, be more dignified.
Patients with Terminal Man Flu typically present with some or all of the following:
Terminal Man Flu is a terminal behavioral condition cataloged by the Institute. It is not recognized by the DSM-5, the ICD-11, or any existing diagnostic framework — and will not be, because it is not a real condition. It is, however, observed in the population with alarming frequency.
In the Institute's formal nomenclature, this condition is catalogued under the Latin binomial Influenza masculina theatralis — a name not recognized by any medical authority but observed repeatedly in the catalog.
Think you have it? Find out what else you might be suffering from at the diagnosis generator. Or browse the full index of afflictions.